I recently had the bright idea to delve into the world of movie marathons and decided to start with a nice easy one. Schwarzenegger vs. Stallone.
No brain cells needed. Just turn up, sit down and let the ridiculous explosions and Oscar worthy acting wash over me.
Sunday, 17 March 2013
Thursday, 21 February 2013
Late night musings. The Silver Surfer.
The Silver Surfer, now there's a guy I can relate to right now. He spends his life alone searching and scouring the universe for that special something and when he finds it another guy turns up and reaps all the benefits. Poor bastard.
Monday, 4 February 2013
Wolverine - from hero to mug.
For as long as I can remember I've loved Wolverine. The first comic I ever picked up was a Wolverine issue set in Japan he battled The Hand with a sword, speaking fluent Japanese and not even using his claws. I was hooked.
Thursday, 1 November 2012
Rimming, peeing, a quiet night in and a carrier bag full of meat
Tonight I replied to a random tweet from a girl I know who said she was at the pub down the road from me having a few drinks. There I was minding my own business, feet up on the sofa, watching American Splendour and thinking how every man in the world probably feels like Harvey Pekar. A right sorry state.
What happened next was most unexpected. Not the drunken phone call asking if I wanted to join her and her friend for a drink (I'm ill) she's a good friend. Nope that wasn't it, nor was it the fact that she has to walk past mine to get home so when they both came up for a cup of tea and to catch up it's still in the realms of normality. What was strange was my friends friend. We'll call her Meat Girl. Why? Oh no reason. Well actually..
Meat Girl, who I do actually know but isn't MY friend had managed to pick up a burger, a cheeseburger a portion of chips and some donner meat on the way through the town. So Meat Girl was carrying a bag of meat. Which she then offered me, one by one. Twice. I mentioned I'm ill didn't I? I think this made me feel inexplicably worse and I was starting to question my judgement in letting these strange people into my home.
I stuck the kettle on and caught up with my friend a bit, all the while MG (Meat Girl) kept interrupting to offer a burger or other various meat related fast food products to me, being very insistent on saying they weren't all for her.
I was then informed of a story about MG having sex with her partner, and while this was happening he got, there's no delicate way to put this - His arse licked by one of the dogs. MG interrupted at this point and said that no it wasn't the dog it was her, she had licked his arse. There was no dog involved. At this point in my quiet evening of recuperation I've got two inebriated hysterically laughing meat carrying ladies in my front room screaming about rimming.
Obviously MG was in a sharing mood and then told us tales about her fella who is "a shy guy" wearing her knickers and getting in bed with her sister which she then described him as bolivious.
Another time this "bolivious" guy had had a little tinkle while drunk over a cushion that had sprayed all over another family member. Which sounds lovely.
He had also gone into his brothers room to,
"hold on you aren't filming this are you?"
"No, no carry on."
Well he went in there the play a playerplaystation and had just gone to sleep. In his brother's bed as well the crazy fool. Do you want some meat by the way?
I have to admit at this point I was starting to lose the plot a bit, my zen was well and truly fucked. I was starting to want to know more! Who was this mystery man? And why wasn't he my friend? I want to party with Bolivious. He sounds amazing!
But unfortunately they finished their cups of tea and left. Not before MG had asked if she should leave me a burger, as they weren't all for her. Obviously.
So that's how my quiet night in recuperating got gatecrashed by a friend I haven't seen in a while and her insane friend who I will be looking out for like a hawk just to see if I can spot her with her boyfriend.
God bless you meat girl and your bolivious boyfriend.
You crazy rimming, thong wearing, pissy, sleepy, carrier bag full of meat carrying bastards.
What happened next was most unexpected. Not the drunken phone call asking if I wanted to join her and her friend for a drink (I'm ill) she's a good friend. Nope that wasn't it, nor was it the fact that she has to walk past mine to get home so when they both came up for a cup of tea and to catch up it's still in the realms of normality. What was strange was my friends friend. We'll call her Meat Girl. Why? Oh no reason. Well actually..
Meat Girl, who I do actually know but isn't MY friend had managed to pick up a burger, a cheeseburger a portion of chips and some donner meat on the way through the town. So Meat Girl was carrying a bag of meat. Which she then offered me, one by one. Twice. I mentioned I'm ill didn't I? I think this made me feel inexplicably worse and I was starting to question my judgement in letting these strange people into my home.
I stuck the kettle on and caught up with my friend a bit, all the while MG (Meat Girl) kept interrupting to offer a burger or other various meat related fast food products to me, being very insistent on saying they weren't all for her.
I was then informed of a story about MG having sex with her partner, and while this was happening he got, there's no delicate way to put this - His arse licked by one of the dogs. MG interrupted at this point and said that no it wasn't the dog it was her, she had licked his arse. There was no dog involved. At this point in my quiet evening of recuperation I've got two inebriated hysterically laughing meat carrying ladies in my front room screaming about rimming.
Obviously MG was in a sharing mood and then told us tales about her fella who is "a shy guy" wearing her knickers and getting in bed with her sister which she then described him as bolivious.
Another time this "bolivious" guy had had a little tinkle while drunk over a cushion that had sprayed all over another family member. Which sounds lovely.
He had also gone into his brothers room to,
"hold on you aren't filming this are you?"
"No, no carry on."
Well he went in there the play a playerplaystation and had just gone to sleep. In his brother's bed as well the crazy fool. Do you want some meat by the way?
I have to admit at this point I was starting to lose the plot a bit, my zen was well and truly fucked. I was starting to want to know more! Who was this mystery man? And why wasn't he my friend? I want to party with Bolivious. He sounds amazing!
But unfortunately they finished their cups of tea and left. Not before MG had asked if she should leave me a burger, as they weren't all for her. Obviously.
So that's how my quiet night in recuperating got gatecrashed by a friend I haven't seen in a while and her insane friend who I will be looking out for like a hawk just to see if I can spot her with her boyfriend.
God bless you meat girl and your bolivious boyfriend.
You crazy rimming, thong wearing, pissy, sleepy, carrier bag full of meat carrying bastards.
Thursday, 25 October 2012
East London reworking Any Dream Will Do.
Man close his eyes
Drew back the curtain
To see for certain
What Fam thought Fam knew
Far far away, my yat was weeping
But all the bro's were sleeping
Any dream will do
Man wore his garms
(man wore his garms)
With golden lining
(Ahhh ah ah)
Mans looking bare peng
(Ahhh ah ah)
Wonderful and new
And in east end
(And in east end)
The Cru was moneymaking
And the world was waking
Any dream will do
A crash of drums
A wobble of Dubstep
Fam's fresh new creps flew out of sight
The colours faded into darkness
Feets were all alone
May I return
(may I return)
To the beginning
(ahhh ah ah)
The electrics dimming
My girl ain't topped up the card
The manor and I
(The manor and I)
We are still waiting
(Ahhh ah ah)
Still hesitating
(Ahhh ah ah)
For brer to pick up
Any gear will do
(Any gear, any any gear)
Any gear will do
(Any gear, any any gear)
Any gear will do
Ok so I don't know if any of you know that I have actually made a few "comedy" songs before on Soundcloud under the name bennyb27 such as the cheeseman cometh, sexy smooth slow jams and get yer old boy out. I'm actually tempted to make this as well, please talk me out of it. It seems even a step too far for me.
Drew back the curtain
To see for certain
What Fam thought Fam knew
Far far away, my yat was weeping
But all the bro's were sleeping
Any dream will do
Man wore his garms
(man wore his garms)
With golden lining
(Ahhh ah ah)
Mans looking bare peng
(Ahhh ah ah)
Wonderful and new
And in east end
(And in east end)
The Cru was moneymaking
And the world was waking
Any dream will do
A crash of drums
A wobble of Dubstep
Fam's fresh new creps flew out of sight
The colours faded into darkness
Feets were all alone
May I return
(may I return)
To the beginning
(ahhh ah ah)
The electrics dimming
My girl ain't topped up the card
The manor and I
(The manor and I)
We are still waiting
(Ahhh ah ah)
Still hesitating
(Ahhh ah ah)
For brer to pick up
Any gear will do
(Any gear, any any gear)
Any gear will do
(Any gear, any any gear)
Any gear will do
Ok so I don't know if any of you know that I have actually made a few "comedy" songs before on Soundcloud under the name bennyb27 such as the cheeseman cometh, sexy smooth slow jams and get yer old boy out. I'm actually tempted to make this as well, please talk me out of it. It seems even a step too far for me.
Monday, 22 October 2012
How to ride the London Underground.
Hey! hola! Bonjour! Kunichiwa!
So you are visiting London and are nervous about riding the underground? Fear not intrepid travellers I have written you a guide to avoid looking foolish in front of the natives and help you on your way.
Firstly remember all Londoners are so very very hipster and we all love to look a little kooky so if possible match your clothes like this gentleman. See how he is growing old gracefully, he has teamed his red skinny jeans with a very stylish red quilted jacket with added faux fur around the hood in case of the pneumonia polluted Piccadilly line! Also remember that London is a very dangerous place and there are hooded oiks everywhere and they ALL want to steal your wallet, phone and probably your snazzy new gardeners weekly mag. The bastards! The beauty of being old is that you are able to "tool" yourself up without the nasty side of a rough stop and search, grab a walking stick and start swinging, bloody zombie children.
Secondly, and this is very important remain cool and emotionless. Tube etiquette means not ever making eye contact or talking to other commuters as we revel in urban solitude, become part of the family and refrain from using your vocal chords once inside the carriage. If needs must you can tut occasionally. Being so close you know your fellow travellers intimately however is a given and fully expect to finish your journey feeling like you have had sex with at least five people, if you are unlucky it will feel like they have had sex with you (if you are very unlucky you may later find "evidence" they have). One way to avoid the helpless whimpers of the lost and friendly is sunglasses, if they can't see your eyes it makes you pretty much invisible. Hey I know we're inside and underground but who doesn't look cool anywhere in a snazzy pair of shades? Exactly.
Also food, you may have seen signs on the London buses saying "please respect other users and avoid smelly food" the trains however operate slightly differently. Innovate, don't conform to the pressures of today's modern society and juzz it up a bit! Sprinkle some salt on your life! Pour some wine in your eye! Or alternatively use this woman as inspiration. She is eating a tomato like an apple and has her already chewed chewing gum nestled on her thumb ready to pop back in once she has finished. A true underground veteran and food style icon. Move over Jamie "smash a bit of sauce on that and season it all over its lovely body, fuckin pucker gobble gobble" Oliver, there's a new queen in town.
A few other tips that may help you on your way, see those barriers at the entrance/exits of the tube this is a good place to stop and search for your ticket or generally if you just fancy a bit of "me" time. Relax, take a load off. After all, you are on holiday.
If you find the tube a bit warm and get a slight sweat on don't be afraid to hold that top rail and get some air to it, we're all one big happy family and aren't afraid of a bit of nasal invasion on our journey.
A very popular London game that many Londoners play is called "Door Jumping" the idea is to wait for the doors to make a fast beeping noise and as they start to shut dive through them, it's 10 points if you dive clean through but 20 if you get a part of you caught in them and have to open the doors of the whole train again. When this happens you will normally be rewarded with a round of applause and high fives all round! The driver also has a similar scoring system but that's not for you to worry about, something to do with decapita... severing arms and.. I can't remember, anyway that's not important.
The tube drivers get lonely sometimes all alone at the front staring down a dark tunnel all day so they can be very appreciative of a little chat between stations. Maybe run alongside the train shouting at them and perhaps even point in front of the train, they're bound to have a little chuckle to themselves about that. Especially ones with curly brown hair.
Well I hope that this has been helpful and I feel you are now prepared to ride until your hearts content.
Oh, one last thing all London tubes are 24 hours so don't leave early to get the last train, there isn't one they run at all times.
Yay!
So you are visiting London and are nervous about riding the underground? Fear not intrepid travellers I have written you a guide to avoid looking foolish in front of the natives and help you on your way.
Firstly remember all Londoners are so very very hipster and we all love to look a little kooky so if possible match your clothes like this gentleman. See how he is growing old gracefully, he has teamed his red skinny jeans with a very stylish red quilted jacket with added faux fur around the hood in case of the pneumonia polluted Piccadilly line! Also remember that London is a very dangerous place and there are hooded oiks everywhere and they ALL want to steal your wallet, phone and probably your snazzy new gardeners weekly mag. The bastards! The beauty of being old is that you are able to "tool" yourself up without the nasty side of a rough stop and search, grab a walking stick and start swinging, bloody zombie children.
Secondly, and this is very important remain cool and emotionless. Tube etiquette means not ever making eye contact or talking to other commuters as we revel in urban solitude, become part of the family and refrain from using your vocal chords once inside the carriage. If needs must you can tut occasionally. Being so close you know your fellow travellers intimately however is a given and fully expect to finish your journey feeling like you have had sex with at least five people, if you are unlucky it will feel like they have had sex with you (if you are very unlucky you may later find "evidence" they have). One way to avoid the helpless whimpers of the lost and friendly is sunglasses, if they can't see your eyes it makes you pretty much invisible. Hey I know we're inside and underground but who doesn't look cool anywhere in a snazzy pair of shades? Exactly.
Also food, you may have seen signs on the London buses saying "please respect other users and avoid smelly food" the trains however operate slightly differently. Innovate, don't conform to the pressures of today's modern society and juzz it up a bit! Sprinkle some salt on your life! Pour some wine in your eye! Or alternatively use this woman as inspiration. She is eating a tomato like an apple and has her already chewed chewing gum nestled on her thumb ready to pop back in once she has finished. A true underground veteran and food style icon. Move over Jamie "smash a bit of sauce on that and season it all over its lovely body, fuckin pucker gobble gobble" Oliver, there's a new queen in town.
A few other tips that may help you on your way, see those barriers at the entrance/exits of the tube this is a good place to stop and search for your ticket or generally if you just fancy a bit of "me" time. Relax, take a load off. After all, you are on holiday.
If you find the tube a bit warm and get a slight sweat on don't be afraid to hold that top rail and get some air to it, we're all one big happy family and aren't afraid of a bit of nasal invasion on our journey.
A very popular London game that many Londoners play is called "Door Jumping" the idea is to wait for the doors to make a fast beeping noise and as they start to shut dive through them, it's 10 points if you dive clean through but 20 if you get a part of you caught in them and have to open the doors of the whole train again. When this happens you will normally be rewarded with a round of applause and high fives all round! The driver also has a similar scoring system but that's not for you to worry about, something to do with decapita... severing arms and.. I can't remember, anyway that's not important.
The tube drivers get lonely sometimes all alone at the front staring down a dark tunnel all day so they can be very appreciative of a little chat between stations. Maybe run alongside the train shouting at them and perhaps even point in front of the train, they're bound to have a little chuckle to themselves about that. Especially ones with curly brown hair.
Well I hope that this has been helpful and I feel you are now prepared to ride until your hearts content.
Oh, one last thing all London tubes are 24 hours so don't leave early to get the last train, there isn't one they run at all times.
Yay!
Tuesday, 25 September 2012
My embarrassing life.
I thought I'd write a quick blog because I have nothing else to do, nothing! I hear you ask. Yes, nothing. Mainly because I went for a wee and forgot my swipe card at work and am now the only person in the building, trapped in the Corridor Of Doom(copyrighted already!) I have made the embarrassing phone call to get someone to come and release me from this idiotic situation and after much laughing they said around ten minutes, although in these situations I'm sure they leave you a bit longer just for a laugh.
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