Criminal chic

This seasons must have accessory for both sexes is just in, hot off the press, drum roll please is... The ankle tag.
Seen just this very morning in a London park strolling around enjoying the scenery and summer warmth is one of the (possibly) criminal fraternity.
We adorn our wrists with watches, straps, bracelets some people even still choose to wear those disgusting charity rubber bands that look like they smell of sweat. Don't get me wrong I'm not anti charity I'm anti ugly.
The only next step in fashion evolution was to start expressing ourselves through our ankles. This particular fellow has decided to wear a "tag" brand under his sock, it's a very subtle look that shows that he is fashion conscious but probably also some kind of criminal, hard bastard, sociopath. Very fitting in London. Bravo sir.
Would you like to wear a extension of yourself on the smelly end of your leg? What would it be? I think I'd distance myself from the tag and go down the more hey I'm friendly but don't annoy me route by perhaps having a string draped with hanging earlobes collected from unfashionable heads.
A bit like a stylish Predator.
Thinking ahead where can we go next with criminal chic? Perhaps a streamlined fitted orange boiler suit or bracelets that look like broken handcuffs? Maybe even the next big tattoo craze could be a prison number on the wrist, you may laugh but I bet some of you have got Japanese writing, tweetypie, barbed wire or a tribal one!
I'm not judging your tattoos here I've got a shark that looks like a dolphin, funny story about that (it's not)
So if you get arrested this year take a look around the prison for fashion tips and you too can be part of the fashionable convict community.

Today's Crimes against fashion.

As a protector of attacks on the eyes by bad fashion I ask you, what is wrong with this photo. Don't answer it's rhetorical I'm going to tell you. Obviously.
Firstly the disgusting faded insult on my cornea's that is this ridiculous tie die t-shirt. Why oh why would you wear something that was only relevant for one month in 1988, it wasn't actually relevant really but I remember having a tie die waistcoat as a child during my non meat eating hippy stage. This shirt looks like something you would find outside the kebab van in Romford high street after all the clubs have kicked out on a saturday night. Unfortunately the road cleaners haven't washed THIS piece of vomit away.
The bogey coloured three quarter lengths that show the raw donner meat pasty elephant shaped leg that protrudes out the snot rag is something I would expect someone on a nature programme for children to wear. Maybe if they were fitted I could of ignored them but they were the size of a Fred Durst style American 90's rapper and looked like they smelt of a men's urinal with all the unexplained stains on them. *gag*
Lastly how many times will I have to stop people in the street and say excuse me but black socks with shoes when you are showing a sliver of leg (albeit one that is whiter than that dudes business card from American Psycho) is WRONG WRONG WRONG!
I obviously didn't say that to this person, what I did do was as you would to an old sick dog that is in pain, I humanely put it down. It was in everyone's best interests. Yeah getting more like Patrick Bateman every day. This must stop or you'll see me on the evening news
"Man goes on bad fashion killing spree"
Enough now,
Ben.

The X-Men and the mystery £5

I started reading comics properly on a trip to London to see my dad. A grabbed comic because I liked the cover at lunchtime whilst doing a hard days labour on a building site (teaboy and broomboy, tough work) It was Weapon X #1 from the Age of Apocalypse saga, I already knew the characters as I had read a few here and there before but this was the one that hooked me in, the art, the desperation of the situation, the fact that Logan and Jean Grey were together! It was all so bloody brilliant.
I knew it was fate for me to become a Big Bang Theory extra after a trip to Forbidden Planet ended in travesty I'd spent all my money and saw the holy grail - X-Men Alpha for £5 I walked back to the train station a sad sad child my life was practically over.
Then it happened
There at the bottom of the stairs in Tottenham Court road a screwed up crumpled five pound note. I ran back to the shop and grabbed that shiny covered beauty without hesitation and to this day it's still my favourite. At the time I was sure some mystic force had put it there, it was destined for me to have that comic.
Apart from about 5 years during my twenties I've been steadily snapping up comics non stop and although I have branched out into the whole comic world the X-Men remain my favourite as they helped me through some tough times because whatever I was feeling at least one of them would be dealing with something similar and still finding the strength to kick some villain about as well.
What I'm trying to say is even now we all need a little escapism, and who better than Wolverine and The X-Men?
How did that fiver get there?
Who put it there?
Was it Stan Lee?

Comedy Clothes

Do you or your partner own a slogan related t-shirt that has a hilarious line like "I fear no beer" or "body of a god, shame it's Buddah"? You do? Do you ever wear this outside the comforts of your own home? You do!? Walk to the nearest bridge and look down into the water and think about your life.
This is NOT acceptable.
My friend recently told me "I'm a bit fat now so I can't do fashion" excuse me, what? I'm a bit short does that stop me buying porn? I coaxed him away from his favourite "To the Pub" top and directed him towards more suitable clothes. It wasn't easy but we got there eventually. I felt like a regular Gok Wan, it's all about the confidence, man breasticles etc etc etc
Has anyone in the last five years looked at one of these tops and thought now that's some funny shit! Yeah to be fair they probably have but that's not the point they are wrong and I am right. Some might be funny but let's try to be funny with our mouth holes rather than out clothes.
I'm not saying I don't own mediocre clothes I've got a fair few superhero t-shirts but they don't make public appearances unless under something much more chic, I'm not even sure that's acceptable.
I will clean up London's badly dressed if it kills me, step by step.

I'm moving to New York..

..Because I've got problems with my sleep.
Here's my issue it's half past six and I've been up since half four. I managed to go to bed around midnight last night and had about 3-4 hours sleep before I woke up. This is a regular occurrence, my bed that I love so so much becomes a prison of rolling from one side to the next, on my back, on my front to no avail.
So far I've done two lots of washing up and re-arranged my cupboard (and it now looks bloody brilliant!)
Thing is I've tried everything and am getting a bit desperate, valerian tea, Nytol, meditation, jogging. Nothing seems to work. Have you had trouble sleeping and know about a super cure? Please let me know, I'm so tired on the other hand I do like a neat and organised kitchen.
Maybe I should just capitalise on this and take a night job and see how long it takes before I suffer burnout and sleep the good sleep a la Fight Club style. Oh wait he had a break down.. I think I might be having one anyway it's just a very tidy one.

Grammar Police

Right, let's get ranty about stuff. Yes already. I think I'm fairly decent at spelling, I win 90% of my words with friends games and I do done spell all them words good. Some of my friends are rubbish at spelling and for those friends I will never, ever correct them. We are grown ups and I find it condescending and rude for no reason. I do have a certain friend who once felt the need to tell me that I had misused "your" and it should of been"you're" I can hear groaning already. problem being I thought you smug git and now watch every word he postson Facebook, twitter or texts me and happily correct him, the two bob. That's still fine we are both consenting adults in mutual spelling relationship war.
The thing that gets me is when someone I think is a dimlo does it. Self appointed Grammar police who can barely use a pen to scribble a name but gets behind a keyboard with a grammar and spell check button and thinks that they are an English teacher.
Let's face it these people obviously have no joy in their lives if they get that frustrated and can't just ignore a bit of bad spelling. I spend my whole life ignoring badly dressed people. I would love to spend my time going up to them screaming about double denim or tracksuits on grownups that aren't on route to the gym, but apparently that counts as some kind of harassment (and is frowned upon by the others on the tube).
Chances are you have done this as well, Don't worry I don't hate you. One drunk moment when I saw someone had called a friend "you are an prick" probably on Facebook I realised it wasn't annoying at all it was brilliant, I was the guy who could ignore these things. Kind of like a superhero, I was, I am like a real life hero. I then fell asleep face down on thefloor hugging my kebab like it was the love of my life. Later waking up with a hand that smelt of garlic sauce and red cabbage and a brain swollen to twice the size that couldn't be used half as much.
If you are scouring this now for some kind of spelling orgrammar mistake YOU are who I am talking about, YOU are the problem, to put it eloquently "your A idiot"

Where it all started.

Afternoon! I recently did a guest post on a friend of mine's blog and its given me the kick I needed to actually start a blog myself. I've written for a couple of websites here and there before but nothing like this so I thought best to put this one out first, where it all started. I shall immediately get on with writing something else, I just hope its as well received.
Hello Big Fashionista followers, for some unknown reason she has decided to sod off somewhere and leave me in charge. I've already broken stuff, please don't tell her.
Two lines in and I'm struggling. I'm not an actual blogger you see, I've flirted with the idea a few times but to actually sit down and write something. AND for The Big F, the queen of twitter. Oh dear.
Ok, here goes. I painted a toenail. Just the one with some of this BarryM magnetic nail polish to see what all the fuss was about. I tlooked awesome and I was genuinely excited but then I realised I'm almost 30 and this was not the way grown up men acted. I say I realised, someone at work saw it and called me strange (that happens a lot) and alas my days as a beauty blogger were over before they had even begun. This saddened me as I was all ready for guyliner and manscara galore and unleashing my inner princess.
Yeah, yeah I'm losing you and what you really want to hear me talk about is comics, football and whisky yeah? I'm joking obviously. I'm here to talk about crimes of fashion. I seem to have noticed recently that people are becoming increasingly nice about bad fashion choices and just passing it off as individuality.
WRONG!
I'm all for individuality in your fashion choices but there are certain rules, certain rules you should adhere to! (I'm imagining myself in a Scream movie but about fashion.) I walk around and am just constantly disappointed. From the midweek suits wearing running shoes on the tube to the African print T-shirts that seem to be cropping up on the floppy haired JoeyEssex clones.Yes when the sun has come out I agree we should all take off as many clothes as we can all legally get away with. Although when you team shorts with a tucked in Polo shirt and a pair of patent leather shoes with no socks I find it hard not to drag you by your ears to the local euthanasia clinic and administer the injection myself. Twice. Just in case. Least the rain has forced them to hibernate, for now.
Ladies I'm not letting you get away with it either, I thought these monstrosities had gone away but recently saw an unwelcome return.Firstly velour tracksuits (someone tweeted earlier this week "camelcalled, it wants its toe back"), second are wonky Uggs (let's wait for the real shuffling Zombie Apocalypse, it's coming) and this will probably go down like a lead balloon remember its only my opinion though and in no way endorsedby Big Fashionista. Fucking Birkenstocks. YUK! Fashion should NOT becomfortable.
On that sweary bombshell I'll apologise for my foul languageand ranty behaviour and thank you all for listening to me. Normal service willresume shortly. Remember if you see someone dressed badly it is your DUTY to inform them politely, (as politeness is free) Thus helping the world be abetter dressed place. Oh and if you see me dressed badly. Shoot me.
Benny (angry fashionista?)