The rise and rise of The Metrosexual.

The Metrosexual; once a movement now the mainstream. It doesn't really exist anymore because it's the majority of men. There are still men out there who are "manly men" when I say manly men I mean non moisturising, au natural, old fashioned guys. Saying that I'd say the majority now are some kind of strange hybrid metrosexual mutant man. Like a man who goes to the gym and works out and does really heavy weights and is all manly and 'ard. Then he goes and gets his hair frosted or pops his car keys in his manbag or satchel and slips off home in his designer espadrilles.
Where did metrosexual man come from and how was his rise to power and dominance over the rest of mankind possible?

He was born in a primitive age in the mid 90's where he was slumbering on the sofa after way too many beers on a Sunday. He was laying there waiting for a roast dinner to be made for him or to paint a wall. He may of been charging his drill to put up a shelf or sleeping off a heavy shift in the garden being a dinosaur for the children to climb on. Then he was scolded, he was burnt for being a lazy pig of a man.
He was told that he had disgusting rough man skin and that his stubble was causing irritation to the beautiful beautiful soft skin of his lovely lady. He was told that he didn't take care of his body or his appearance.
This went on for years and years. Some men just ignored it and went about their life smelling of BO and wearing the same t shirt for days in a row but then it happened.. Someone finally broke. We can't name him but he started to bow to pressure at first it was a few things. Like a slightly designer haircut that may be considered a touch feminine. Then came the moisturiser. As a child if I'd of asked my dad if he moisturised he probably would of locked me on a dark cellar and thrown me a live rabbit and said something like "if you want to learn to survive and be a man you best learn how to hunt and eat meat boy"
The idea as a child in the 80's of your father slapping on some Nivea Q10 would of been a playground taunt.
"your dad wears face cream, you are a daydream la la la la la"
How I love that man who took that first scary step so us males now could have faces that can be rugged looking with a bit of stubble yet silky smooth when clean shaven. You brave brave bloody lovely bastard.
This was the birth of the metrosexual. The problem I have is what they have become now..
It's a dark time for mankind when I can walk through Topshop and into Topman and not really be able to tell the difference between the clothes. When the necklines of a mans t-shirt go so low as you can almost see a belly button you know something terrible has happened.
Guy liner and manscara are almost funny but they actually look good on the right bloke. So what can I really say about that? Not for me.
Orange men.. Hold on what the actual fuck? As if those tango'd women don't look bad enough now there are orange men as well? What if these mate and all the orange that has seeped into their skin means their offspring will be a new pedigree orange breed of person? WHERE WILL THIS MADNESS END!?
So fella's there has to be a line.. And not one made with make up. Don't get me wrong I'm not a prude my favourite new blogger is a dude who secretly dresses up as a woman! But let's not blur the middle ground please. Let's at least be able to put up a shelf or get our hands dirty without fear of ruining our manicured man mitts.
Yes I own a leather satchel. I can also plaster a wall. Yes I moisturise. I can also fit a washing machine, put up a million shelves and slap together a flat pack wardrobe in ten minutes. I'm pretty sure some of these new breed metrosexuals girlfriends do more of these manly things than them.
Men. Man up.
Anyway, I had a heavy one last night drinking gin and tonic so I'm going to roll a bit of under eye livening roll on to perk me up.
Toodles.