The exact words said to me about ten times by the groom. I started to think that he was nervous and didn't want me to write a speech. Why wouldn't there be speeches at a wedding?
The night before the wedding I decided I should write one just in case, it was lucky I did because funnily enough after dinner the father of the bride stood up and gave his speech then they all turned and looked at me.. Oh shit! this speech I wrote took about ten minutes and I was pissing myself laughing at it as I googled speeches and just took some various bits and bobs out of them all.
So I stood up and delivered my speech and it went like this..
I'll take out the names and just change them to bride and groom to protect everyone involved.
Good evening, firstly I would like to congratulate "wifey" for being such beautiful bride and for the bridesmaids for carrying out their roles so well and for the ushers.. At least try turned up sober.
Sorry I should of introduced myself, I'm Ben, "groom's" best man. I have known him since he frantically put his hand up asking to go to the toilet no realising he had just volunteered to show the new boy (me) around the school. Not much has changed since then, he was still showing me his swapsies from his 1994 world cup Panini sticker album just before "bride" walked down the aisle.
I'm respectful enough not to tell any shocking stories about "groom" so I definitely won't mention the time he killed a hooker when we were jumping the border in Mexico.
On a serious note I'm so pleased that "groom" has found love with "bride" and along with "kid1" and "kid2" they have a wonderful family. I wish them all the best for their future together although I doubt they will need it because it's clear for everyone to see that they are perfect for each other.
They say a speech should last as long as the groom does in bed so without further ado I'd like everyone to stand and raise their glasses to the bride and groom "bride" and "groom"
That's it exactly as I said it. Word for word. It was a big room and there were a fair few people there.
The reason I wanted to share this with you today was because of the really strange reaction I got after I'd finished the speech.
"did he really just say that the groom. Killed a hooker?"
"mummy, what's a dead hooker?"
"he took it too far"
When I dropped that line I looked up and left about a 5 second silence just staring out at them. Some had their mouths wide open and ALL of the rest just looked down at the floor trying not to make eye contact.
There was no laughter. None at all. Just silence and awkwardness.
Now a normal person would think he had messed up but I'm not normal. This was FAR FAR better than any reaction I could of imagined. I was so proud of myself I wanted to scream, I'd finally achieved a man right of passage. I'd given a best mans speech that had made a hell of a lot of people uncomfortable. I don't know why I feel so happy with this I should be mortified, I'm not even slightly ashamed.
As the night went on and the drink started flowing a few people gave me some evil looks but the surprising thing was the amount of people that creeped up to me and quietly told me they loved my speech but didn't want to be the only person laughing! The swines! The evening guests arrived and all came over in dribs and drabs, many told me they were gutted they missed it, one even said "it is the stuff of legend. For all the wrong reasons. Truly horrifying" not going to lie that made my inner comedian's ego explode.
WHERE WERE THEY EARLIER!?
So, are you getting married soon? Need a hand with your speeches?
Call me.
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